Why Suigetsu Should Never Shop
by akwordturtle2012
Summary: Because there just isn't enough Hebi crack. Suigetsu was only trying to get cat food for their cat Fred, honestly. If the guy in front of him hadn't been so slow, Suigetsu wouldn't have had to kill him. So it was all Chouji's fault, really


**Hey guys ****I actually wrote this story shortly after I wrote my first one (sometime back in middle school), but I guess I was too lazy to put it up. Anyways, I was talking to my friend (****kotobaka, her kuroshitsuji fic is amazing, read it!) about fanfics, and I remembered I had this one tucked away. So I did a quick edit (I like to think I've improved just a tad since I wrote this), and here it is. My editing was not that thorough, and I can't spell for shoot (I just got my chemistry exam back today and I spelled warehouse "whorehouse"), so please tell me about any edits. Props If you can tell me who the angry side-characters are. I present to you the kinda second in an almost series of hebi crack (which I do not own, BTW).**

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"Okay, so… how many calories is this?"

Suigetsu was getting more and more frustrated with the man ahead of him in line. It was bad enough the fatty seemed to be from Sasuke's old leaf village, but he also must have been mentally challenged. The idiot asked the poor cashier the price and calorie count of each item, both of which were clearly written on the wrappers, and then had a lengthy debate (with himself) about buying each item.

He started listening again just as the man began his debate. "Well, it's fatty, but high in vitamins, and it's cheap. And it has carrots, which are good for you, but it's a cake, which is bad. Hmm…"

"Tch, express lane my ass," Muttered the watery ninja. Really, all he wanted was some cat food for Fred, and he was already in a hurry. Sasuke had mentioned a search for a new informant, and he wanted in.

"So, I'll take the cake, but I don't want the cherry pie anymore. You can take that back." He gestured behind him, and Suigetsu hoped, for both of their sakes, that the order wasn't for him. "How much is the lunch meat?"

"It says 900 yen, sir," the cashier responded, frustration enveloping a normally polite voice.

"I see. And how many calories is this?"

"250, sir. It says all this on the box."

"Uh-huh. And is that per slice, or for the whole box?"

Suigetsu realized with horror that the man was only on his fifth item out of seventeen. 'Wait, seventeen? But the item limit is fifteen.' His frustration turned to joy as he happily entertained images of the idiot being thrown out of the store on his fat bum. But he knew a poor village market like this one would take every customer they could get their grubby (seriously, had they ever heard of water?) little hands on. Anyway, that would just cause an even longer delay.

He tuned in to see how far the idiot had come while he was thinking. "Hmm, I like this brand a lot, and this is my favorite type, but I've been gaining a little weight," no kidding, thought Suigetsu, "and I need to watch out for fat. Do you have any other, _better_ meats?"

'Oh dear god, is he trying to flirt with the cashier? And is he still on that damned ham?' It was time to take matters into his own hands. Or, more specifically, sword.

He stealthily un-strapped Zabuza's sword from his back, although there was no real need for stealth; the man had just begun trying to interest the irritated cashier in a discussion of cup ramen. The white haired boy originally intended to threaten the man, maybe bash him around a bit. The guy was wearing armor in a grocery store, which was just asking for trouble. But when Suigetsu heard him re-thinking item number two, he snapped. In his defense, the lane was small. Even if he had only been trying to scare the idiot (which he distinctly had not been trying to do), a swing of his sword would still have hurt the fatty.

So it really couldn't have been his fault…

"Oh. My. God." Said the man behind the now bloody ninja.

"Is he…dead?" asked a young, pupil-less blond in the next aisle, which Suigetsu noticed moved much faster than his "express" lane. She burst into tears, and suigetsu began to feel bad for killing a stranger over something so trivial.

"Chouji. How troublesome…" However, Suigetsu felt a little better about killing this "Chouji" after the pineapple haired man's response.

"You Psycho!"

The store erupted into screams. People were running everywhere, trying to call in a ninja, checking if the man was dead, and just trying to get the hell out. The cashier just wiped the blood off of his register and began to ring up Suigetsu's cat food. The missing mist-nin had no idea if the cashier was used to this kind of dispute, or if the man just didn't care.

"Now is when I leave you" Suigetsu yelled over the noisy store. He thanked the cashier, and quickly ran—arms sticking out in true ninja fashion— back to the woods where Sasuke and the others were staying. He decided to hide his little escapade, since his leader always became cranky when anyone in their group revealed themselves to the general public. Sasuke was already cranky enough since the thing with his brother, although Suigetsu thought he was over reacting just a tad. 'Seriously, you feel guilty about killing your brother, so you destroy the village he tried to protect?' But questioning Sasuke was a one-way ticket to a slow, painful death, so he had kept his views to himself.

Arriving at the camp, Suigetsu was pleased to see that the black haired ninja had not begun the mission to find the informant. 'Or already finished. Damn that man.' He hurried up a bit, and found the others waiting for him, Karin wearing her typical annoyed expression, while Juugo and Sasuke were, as usual, calm.

"Now that we're all here," said Sasuke, who Suigetsu couldn't help but notice had Fred Uchiha sitting on his shoulder, "I have a new mission for you. To obtain information for our mission, you must find this man. He has vital information about the internal structure of the rebuilt village." Sasuke then held up a picture of an overweight man who looked irritatingly familiar to Suigetsu.

"Well, shoot." Suigetsu realized that he really had seen that man before. In front of him in line at the market. Maybe hurrying was a bad idea. "Why do we need an informant? I think we all know what your old village looks like." He smirked, happy to one-up his nemesis, Karin, who had been eagerly nodding along with Sasuke the whole time.

His nemesis slapped him in return, although the blow never hit, since he turned his arm to water just in time. "The leaf village was destroyed, you idiot."

"We have not yet seen the inside of the re-constructed Konoha." Juugo had finally entered the conversation.

"Since we're in a hurry, whoever finds this man gets double rations for the next week." Sasuke knew the only way to get those idiots working was to offer a reward. Fred purred his agreement with the plan, conveniently forgetting it was "those idiots" who convinced Sasuke to keep him in the first place.

Suigetsu now had a problem. He really wanted those double rations, especially if they included water, but he couldn't exactly raise the dead. He also knew that when no one could find the man, Sasuke would get suspicious and eventually find out about the market incident. He had to find a way to pretend to bring the man in. Remembering how Sasuke always talked about a team mate who used clones for everything, Suigetsu formed a plan.

Four hours later, the missing mist-nin came in with the informant.

Juugo wondered about Suigetsu's slow, jerky movements, but refrained from commenting. The rest of the group was already cranky enough, and Juugo had been searching for so long that he had begun to wonder if the man existed. He was just happy to see the informant found.

"He put up a bit of a fight," the Suigetsu clone said, "but, of course, I was stronger." At this, the clone showed a toothy grin, identical to the one always on the real Suigetsu's face.

Sasuke wondered at this, since he knew Chouji could put up more then "a bit of a fight". Before anyone could stop him, he slashed his sword through the fake Suigetsu. It turned into water like the real one would, but it didn't re-form.

Once he realized what the young Uchiha was doing, the real Suigetsu quickly reformed the water clone. "Pretty smart of me to tie my hands together." He grinned, but it turned into a grimace as all of the cold water from his clone hit him at once.

Sasuke noticed the movement, and yelled, "Suigetsu you idiot, why did you tie his hands together?" It was just like one of his subordinates to make a mistake that stupid. Unless he did it on purpose…

"Oh, he's not a ninja or anything. Its fine, I swear!" The mist-nin didn't want Sasuke to get even madder at him, or suspicious of the tied hands.

"Then how did he put up any fight?" Juugo finally voiced is suspicions of the weird acting boy.

"He's an impostor! Kill him!" Karin realized happily that she had nothing to loose from this situation. If he was an impostor, she would gain points with Sasuke, and if he wasn't…even better. Her happiness grew when her attack caused the "informant" to also turn to water, and turn back into someone completely different. Suigetsu stood in front of her, buck naked of course, (she shuddered) looking as sheepish as a shark-man could.

"Well, when I was buying cat food…"

By the end of his story, Sasuke was extremely irritated. Not only was his informant dead, but he was pretty sure Suigetsu hadn't truly gotten into a battle to the death with a tiger who was really an opposing ninja bent on revenge. Still, he believed the part about the store least of all. He knew all markets kicked out all customers that annoying after the sixth or seventh item. Unless the idiot didn't wait that long. He shook his head. If a group of four was this bad, how has Akatsuki lasted so long?

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**Happy? I do so hope that you are. I love anyone who reads this, since each hit/review is another insentiv to write the KH fic I've been dreaming about.**


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